i can't find an adjective for how i feel. i feel lost, shattered, misunderstood, depressive bla. but it is exactly like i am sitting in a corner in the dark. its like sitting there for a very fucking long time, but you are not able to do something. you can't ask anyone for help because your too shy and you have lost the ones you loved the most, so they will not come to save you again. no, you are on your fucking own and every cut makes it both easier and harder.
it hurts so badly that i even stare at the wall for a few minutes, trying to be blank, because feeling nothing is better than feeling this. because you love to guys and one is dead and one does not love you back and everybody is fucking letting you down all the fucking time but actually they arent, and thats the crazy part. you imagine them letting you down and then it feels like they have and you feel the pain it causes, theres pain everywhere because you are so lonely.
you are so lonely you want to die, but you actually just want to be happy and live. the therapie isn't exactly going the way it should and the pills only make you tired and you want to sleep all day long but you can't because you wrote that spectacular list of things you must do and everytime you are awake you sware to god that from now on you will change and try harder and do the fucking work but you just kinda can't because you are so tired from everything and just want to forget, and when you wake up you remember what a failure you are and how proud your mother ist of you when she doesn't know how her child is full of scars and the fact you know how much it hurts her to see you down kills you.
everything kills you and everything is fighting against you but somehow you try to fight back, but man its like fighting against an fucking elephant, you'll never be able to win this war inside your head, you imagine pain and you feel it, something inside of you wants to kill you and yeah, this is how i feel. i am so fucking lonely.